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Who Suffers the Most?

Who suffers the most from a relationship heartbreak?

 

People with severe control issues.

 

Where do control issues come from?

 

I think it comes from mental models we created very early in our lives in an effort to avoid pain. 

 

That pain was abandonment. 

 

Let's talk first about mental models created by severe control issues and then tie it together with abandonment disorder.

 

I am going to use some EXTREME examples here to explain this for those of you who have not seen the video tab section yet on mental models. 

 

Example:

 

  1. Scott gets heartbroken 4 times in a row.

  2. Scott thinks the common denominator is that they were all “white” women.

  3. Scott’s new mental model: Do not date white women.

  4. Scott gets heartbroken in 5th relationship dating a lady whose zodiac sign is Gemini.

  5. Scott's new mental model: Don't date white women who are Geminis.

  6. Scott is now convinced he cannot be hurt ever again.

 

Two Questions:

 

  1. How happy do you think Scott is?

  2. Do you think Scott will ever suffer a deep heartbreak again?

 

Remember the question earlier? Who suffers the most? Remember, Scott’s scenario is extreme, but I am telling you that the people with control issues LOSE IT if their mental models break down.   

 

And if I could write everything about my thoughts on this subject, the Internet would crash from lack of space. 

 

I once had a genius psychologist tell me that we all have abandonment issues at this point.

  

Because of this I suspect that we all fall into two categories now. Those of us who are emotionally available and those of us who are not.

 

I was very naïve about abandonment disorder. The Texas redneck in me once thought a scenario for having abandonment issues HAD TO BE a story where two parents take their children to the train station and sit them on a bench. They instruct the children to wait there. Mommy and daddy will be right back. Don’t move. The parents then jump on the train—never to be seen again.

 

Nope. You can come from a loving family and end up with these types of issues. It could be something like watching your parents favor one of your siblings or just getting lost in the grocery store for a couple hours when you were 4 years old. I suspect that if you were a sensitive child, then there is a laundry list of various different scenarios that could have impacted you.

 

If we all have it, I don’t think it’s a bad thing if you learn how to manage it correctly. I think the first step would be figuring out if you developed some type of “detrimental” coping mechanism that you were not aware of to deal with relationship issues moving forward.

 

One I am convinced that I see quite frequently is called an Avoidant Attachment style.

 

I had a lady in the divorce group tell us once that she didn’t really feel that she needed support anymore, that she was over it.  She asked us all, “Why is it that I won’t let anyone close to me now? The second I meet someone and they start to like me? I am like, “The hell with you!! I AM OUTTA HERE!!”

 

Avoidant Attachment stemming from Abandonment.

 

These people unfortunately are skilled at rationalizing their way out of intimate situations.

 

However, if they are an Expert, they strategically keep the relationship from ever developing at all. They keep you at arms-length so if you screw up, it doesn’t hurt them or what if they decide to leave? It is virtually painless then. They were never really “in” the relationship with you to begin with.

 

Google “Psychology Today Do you or your partner have an avoidant attachment pattern?”

 

The avoidant attachment style is something you must overcome. There will be new relationships, but they will most likely all fail. I have seen these individuals run away from relationships with people that are loving/emotionally available to relationships with one narcissist after another. 

 

Why? Are they searching for something that feels familiar to the love they “didn’t” receive as a child? (note: I said “didn’t)

 

Or is it because they know how the relationship will end with the narcissist?

 

I had someone once tell me that it is crazy dating out there in the “new” world referring to the perils of online dating as a newly single woman. She said she was returning to her 4-time unfaithful narcissistic husband because that was the “crazy” that she understood. 

 

She is attempting to control the outcome. She is also avoiding an unknown. 

 

That is not living. You cannot have your heart’s deepest desire if you choose not to Live at all.

 

It seems to me that nothing causes control issues more than abandonment disorder.

 

That’s just my opinion.

 

Now the people coming in and out of my divorce support groups who seem to have the worst time getting over their pain, all have “severe” control issues.

 

The greater the pain from the abandonment, the greater the control issues.

 

One group member even admitted to me recently “Yes! Yes! I finally admit it and that it’s very scary to think that I don’t have “control” over my destiny! I know that as a Christian that I am supposed to let God take the wheel and have faith. I struggle to let go. It hurts, but Letting Go is the only thing I haven’t tried.”

 

I’ve seen people come into the support group and announce on a Tuesday that they will be divorced by Friday.  Keep in mind that I have enough experience running these groups to predict whose story will end up in a long two-year divorce war and who will probably be divorced in another 6 months. 

 

I pleaded with her, “Please make peace with this. You will not be divorced by this Friday.”

 

She was adamant. “Oh yes I will.”

 

Next Friday came and went. She showed up the following Tuesday night for group, still married. She predicted again that she will be divorced by this next Friday. Next Friday came and went and then the next Friday became next month and then the one after that…..

 

I watched her body wither away like a cancer patient. I’ve seen this many times. Hair loss starts first and then the body becomes emaciated. Interesting enough as I write this, I am reminded that each one of these people googled the symptoms for Lupus at one point or another. They were convinced they were dying.

 

A lot of them must be married immediately if the ex was cheating and has remarried the actual paramour. (and God help them if the paramour was younger) This “rebound” marriage plan is because of a phantom mental model that MUST succeed in order for them to be happy. That’s the new plan!

 

Marriage = Happiness!!!

 

Slow down.

 

Being married didn’t make them happy the first time and look where they are now! (in group with me)

 

Dr. Wayne Dyer once said that what you don’t understand is that you have no control, Life is being done To you!

 

People with control issues love that last paragraph because then they get to argue with me regarding “free will”. LOL I never said we didn’t have free will.

 

I am saying stones are being thrown in your way and deep holes set before you as you walk Life’s path.

 

You can choose not to see them. (Inattentional sustained blindness)

 

You can choose to go around the stone.

 

If you trip, how long are you going to lie down?  Will you get up immediately? Will you cry?

 

You can go around the pit too or you can fall in? You can ask yourself, “How did I get in here, again?”  

 

YOU get to decide when you’re climbing out and if you’re going to stay in the hole. Or will you choose a new path?

 

Choose.

 

Heaven or Hell?

 

Own it though.

  

What to do about it?

 

Admit to it.

 

Therapy.

 

Read the Black Swan The 12 lessons of abandonment recovery

 

By Susan Anderson

 

Research Abandonment. Fight. Find your center again.

 

www. Abandonment.net

 

Rule # 4 You must participate in your own rescue.

 

It is important to remember here that I am not a therapist. I am a coach and an observer of human beings but let me let you in on a little secret. 

 

You cannot avoid pain. You must accept this or you will never be happy. 

 

The key is accept life as it is. Life is being done to you. You still get to make choices but accept your failures with as much excitement as you do your victories. 

 

Your Life is a gift. Don’t miss it. 

 

Learn about mental models. Each person that I have ever instructed to watch the video, has come back to me afterwards with the exact same words……

 

“Oh my God! I have been doing this all my life.”

 

(Understand mental models tab)

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