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Vilomah

Loss of a Child – Vilomah


I received a letter in April from a man who worked on an assembly line in Detroit at the Ford Motor
Company and he said that his son 23 years old had gone to Hawaii on a vacation with some friends and
was snorkeling looking underwater at the fish. It was a first-time snorkeling for all of them. He was a
great athlete and a good swimmer but after they realized he had been down below the water for some
time, they went to check on him and found that he had drowned.


He was brain dead and they put him on a respirator and the father flew to Hawaii and at great expense
of $50,000 flew him and his son back in an ambulance plane to the mainland of the United States. A few
weeks passed with no brain activity so they had to do the unthinkable; they made the decision to pull
the plug on the respirator and then watch their son die.


(excerpts from the father’s letter)


…..he was a wonderful boy with a wonderful job and a very devoted son. He would
never stay out late without calling home so that we wouldn't worry.


They say that God is perfect but all I can think of is that God made a mistake. I cannot
believe there would be any good reason for Him to allow this to happen. Three lives have
been destroyed, not just one. My wife is a truly great woman and she did not deserve
this. I'm 60 years old and she is 50.


He was our future.


Now everything seems futile and empty and I wake up crying every morning. I also feel
it's cruel to send my son off into Eternal Life because he doesn't know anyone there. 


Only his grandparents and my wife’s side are there before him but he never knew them

because they passed away while he was very young. The thought of him as lonely in the
Afterlife makes it unbearable for me.


I pray you can give me some insight and understanding as to why this has happened and
where he is now. People keep explaining this incident as an accident. I don't believe this
was an accident. I can reiterate eight or nine things that happened as I look back over the
months that preceded this tragedy and we see that it was all leading up to the
occurrence.

(The response letter back to this father)

I feel such pain for the loss that you and your wife have suffered. The grief
that parents experienced the loss of a child is perhaps the deepest grief of
all because it seems to upset the natural order of things. What I can
share with you from a spiritual vantage point cannot really allay your grief
perhaps however it may allow you and your son to know each other in
another way and that other way of knowing may give balance to the grief.
Because your son was attractive and was your son and so warm and
vibrant you got to know him through his uniqueness and his separateness.


There is another way of knowing a person which we know through our
intuitive heart. This way of knowing one another is subtle and so it is often
hidden behind the more obvious ways of knowing people through senses
and thought but if we know what to look for and cultivate that intuitive way
of knowing, we find out for ourselves that we are each indeed more than
just body and personality. While no name is entirely satisfactory for this
other dimension of ourselves for the purpose of our discussion the word
“soul” will do.


What is this soul? It is a unique entity which when the time is right clothes
itself in a personality and body to take birth on the physical human plane.
This personality and body are much like space suits for dwelling on Earth.
Inevitably in all but the rarest cases within a few years the infant becomes
so strongly identified with its space suit that it loses its memory of its initial
identity as a soul. Then we live our life engaged in our human vocations
until our death when we leave behind the space suit and once again
remember our true selves as souls.

Now the soul itself has an agenda in taking birth as a human being. It has
certain work to do and complete while on the Earth plane and it uses the
body and personality to carry out this work and when the work is finished, it
leaves this plane.


The wisest beings with whom I have made contact in this lifetime all assure
me that a soul leaves the physical plane neither a moment too early, nor a
moment too late. Now to us on Earth, who so strongly identify with our own
bodies and personalities, this is hard to understand. To us, because we
have usually not listened deeply enough inside ourselves to know
differently, we consider duration in life as an asset. We tend to think of the
Earth plane as the Be All End All so that we want to make it last as long
as possible. However, once one begins to look at life from the soul's point
of view, the picture is quite different.


Human birth is a bit like enrolling in the 4th grade and we stay just as long
as it is necessary to achieve what we need from that specific grade or form.
(form: referring to the body) Then we are naturally ready to go on for further
evolution by leaving this plane of existence.


I can sense the purity of his heart and the beauty of his soul from the
pictures you sent me and your descriptions of him. I suspect that though
you considered his work on Earth just at the beginning, but for his soul, the
work was completed. Even the manner of his leaving was part of his work.
Now I realize that for you it is inconceivable that a son who would call when
he was going to be late at night could possibly leave you in such a fashion
by choice but you see-- it was not his personality's choice.


It was his soul's choice.


His personality in fact would never be able to leave you because of the
power of the bonds of human attached love that existed between you, your
wife and him, but the soul is not limited by human attached love because it
knows and is joined to others by what is sometimes called the love that
surpasseth understanding --it is conscious or spiritual love. It is the love that
Christ shares with his Father. It is the same love that binds you and Keith
together far more deeply than even the human love of father and son.


Now when your grief is at its strongest, it is hard to tune in to this deeper
love, especially since it makes no rational sense. However, you already

have intimations and later will become much clearer to you that's the true
love that you and your son share is untouched by these recent events. For
in the dimension where this love exists, (that is soul love) there is neither
coming nor going. That Love is not vulnerable to time or changes in form.
Only when you are mind will be quiet enough, will your heart give you the
reassurance that you seek, that the essence of the Love is still very much
with you.


As I said at the outset, this in no way will negate the pain of the loss of his
form to which you were deeply attached but it will balance that loss with a
new opportunity. So now that his captivating form is no longer present, you
are more free to make contact with his soul especially as you are able to
acknowledge your own.


Now the question of whether your life has been destroyed by this event is
another point that is touched by our discussion, for your personality the
pain is shattering and seemingly unbearable. I have no doubt that you
awake crying and find life now meaningless. Such suffering is what the
personality/ego would avoid at all costs. However, this is an entirely
different matter for your soul.


Soul suffering is that which forces you to grow spiritually and brings you
closer to awakening to whom you in truth are. I realize even as I say all
these things to you that it's really too much for me to ask of you that you
understand the way in which the manner of your son's death was his souls
gift to your soul.


I suspect all that seems topsy turvy to you, but you did ask me how I
understood such tragic events and this is my Truth that I'm honored to
share with you. However, from the tone of your letter, you mention
premonitions leading up to the event of his passing. I suspect that you are
more ripe to hear these things than even you suspect.


Now as to how your son is? I can only intuit…. but at the moment after he
left his body and after leaving a thread of consciousness in his body for
some weeks to give you a chance to get adjusted to the loss, and giving
you the opportunity to help him along the way. He was filled with an
indescribable light of the most profound love. Even though there were not
people familiar to him from his stay on Earth to greet him, there were many
beings most familiar to his soul ready to welcome him but probably you

are suffering an attachment to him and sense of loss is felt by his soul
although he now understands what has happened. Why it had to happen
the way it did and why are you are suffering as you are. I'm sure he is
surrounding you with healing energy and as you're able to quiet your mind,
I suspect that you will feel it. It of course acts to your benefit even if you
don't feel it. To the extent that you're able to sit quietly and just hang out
with your son, talking to him as you normally would about the many
experiences you shared together but in doing so, look to see the thread of
spirit that pervaded each experience. Imagine that you and he are souls
who met on Earth this time as father and son. How many times in your
years together did the love between you nearly rend the veil of mystery that
would have allowed you to recognize the truth of soul that lay at the root of
your relationship. It takes only a moment for two people to recognize their
bond as souls, for souls Know No Time and now even though your son is
no longer embodied, you and he can recognize one another.


In no way do I think there was an error on your part in removing the life
support system. Your hand was guided by deeper forces of truth within
yourself. Under such conditions we do what must be done. Let your mind
be at ease about this.


Were it not your son's time to leave his body, there is no way you could
have done what you did by removing the respirator. You were just playing
your part.

–Dr. Richard Alpert

Someone who has been through and come out the other side…..the story of Tom Zumba and his family.

Tom's Story – TomZuba.com LLC

Tom's Story

 

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My 18-month-old daughter Erin died suddenly in 1990. 
She had a fever on a Friday morning. My wife, Trici and I drove her to the hospital on Saturday
morning and were sent home several hours later with the suggestion that the abdominal pain Erin
was complaining of was simply a “kink” in her intestine. “Give her some Pedialyte,” they told
us. 
We did.
Sunday morning Erin seemed to be getting better. I felt comfortable leaving our Oak Park, IL
home that morning for a weeklong conference being held at the Chicago Hilton and Towers.
Sunday night was bad. First thing Monday morning, Trici drove Erin to the ER – again. When I
got the call, I dropped everything and joined them. 
Many questions. Many tests. No answers.
Acknowledging that this case was too complicated for the community hospital to handle, late
Tuesday afternoon, we were sent by ambulance (I rode in the back sitting next to Erin) to one of
Chicago's major medical centers. With sirens blaring and lights flashing, we traveled down the
Eisenhower Expressway to Rush-Pres.-St. Luke's.  After a long, painful, sleepless night, we were
told (finally) early Wednesday morning that we had a diagnosis – Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome.

 
We caught it early. We know how to treat it. She will be fine,” we were told. Early that evening,
at 5:10 pm on Wednesday, July 18, 1990, Erin Brennan Zuba died. The world, as we had known
it, shattered.

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Eight years later, a few days after Christmas, I uncharacteristically
stayed up late to read a book, Where The Heart Is, about a girl who has a baby in a Wal-Mart
store. As best I can recall, it was my first “Oprah Bool Club picks.”  Trici, a night owl, finished
watching an old movie in the living room. She came into the bedroom around midnight and
started to read a magazine, “Eating Well.” I still have it. Within minutes she turned to me and
asked me to take her pulse. “Is my heart racing?” “No, it doesn’t seem to be.” “My chest hurts.
The pain is unbearable. Call 911.” 


Another ambulance ride. A different hospital. Many questions. Many tests. No answers.


52 hours after we entered that Emergency Room at Oak Park Hospital, Patricia Brennan Zuba
was dead. On New Year's Day 1999.  She was 43.  How do I tell our two young sons ~ Rory was
7 and Sean was 3 ~ that mommy died?


The next day, January 2nd would have been our daughter’s 10th birthday. Despite my protests,
the last night of Trici’s Visitation, while standing in the receiving line, her doctor told me that
Trici had a hereditary blood disorder. I would need to be tested. Our two sons would need to be
tested. Her sisters should be tested. Everyone was at risk. Results from a test conducted just
hours before she died, concluded that Trici had a Protein C Deficiency. It’s my understanding
that the Protein C Deficiency made it difficult for her body to break down blood clots. Clots
collected in her lungs, depriving her heart of blood. As a result, her heart was damaged over a
period of time. Had we known of the hereditary blood disorder, she would have been on
medication and most probably still alive.

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Just two short days after my 13-year old son Rory started 7th grade,
at the very end of an otherwise ordinary August 2004 night, I woke to the sounds of strange
noises. Drawn to Rory’s bedroom, it wasn’t clear to me if he was having a seizure or a stroke. 

A call to 911. 

Yet another ambulance ride. Doctors in Rockford and Chicago misdiagnosed him for two
months. On Tuesday, November 9, 2004 – one week after the Presidential Election – I was told
Rory had brain cancer. After his biopsy-turned-major-brain-surgery, I was told there was no
guarantee that my most amazing son would ever talk again, that he’d ever walk again, that he’d
ever have the use of the right side of his body again…in fact, I was told there was no guarantee
that he would survive the next 48 hours…which would be critical. A few days later the
oncologist told me there was no cure. She offered, what I considered the most barbaric treatment,
to possibly prolong his life for a few months. I declined and sought alternative treatments.
 
Rory Brennan Zuba died three months later, on Tuesday morning, February 22, 2005.

After my daughter Erin died I was broken, shattered, lost, confused, angry, shaken, sad and
many, many other things for many, many years. My foundation was destroyed. Nothing I had
held to be true stood firm. I had no way of knowing if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It
took me a long, long time to discover that yes, indeed, there was a light.

When my wife Trici died eight years later, I knew I would survive. I had done this before. I
knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. This time, the tunnel had parts that seemed
familiar. This time, the tunnel also had parts that were new and different, oftentimes
overwhelming, frightening and confusing. This time, my 3-year-old son Sean, and my 7-year-old
son Rory were staring at me. They were looking at me to create a new life for the three of us.

And when Rory died in 2004, I knew I would survive. At first, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. What
was the point? But in time, I realized that not only was there light at the end of the tunnel, but
this time the tunnel was lit. This time I was able to observe my journey... not simply feel victim
to it. This time I learned so much. About grief. About mourning. About the gifts of denial. This
time I realized that I could consciously participate in my own transformation.


This time I gathered tools to make the journey easier – for myself. I look forward to sharing
those tools with you and the people you love that are learning to live with the death of someone
you love.

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COACHING

If you'd like to work with me one-on-one I am available to meet in person in the Rockford, Illinois
area.
I am also available to meet with anyone by FaceTime, Zoom, Skype and Facebook

 

Click: for my fees
Chat.

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Please email me at tomzuba@aol.com to schedule a session.

How We Help

Our goal is to help you navigate heartbreak in a far shorter time than you would have on your own and to connect you with your peers who are experiencing the same loss.

EVENT LOCATIONS
1

McKinney Divorce Support Group

8751 Collin McKinney Pkwy, McKinney, TX

Tuesday Nights 7-9 PM

CONTACT
21

Forth Worth Divorce Support Group

 

1949 Golden Heights Rd, Fort Worth, TX 76177

Tuesday Nights 7-9 PM

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