Suicide: who will you leave behind?

If you leave, think about who you will leave behind…

Suicide.

That was never a word I was familiar with.  My good friend in high school lost her brother to suicide and that’s the closest I came to that word.  

Until that fateful day in September.  September 16, 2022, at 5:03 pm.  It has been 3 years, 1 month, 29 days – making it a total of 1,155 days.  

As Benjamin’s mom, in the beginning, I felt as if “I” was the only one going through this traumatic ordeal.  Now I realize that isn’t the case.  

His dad,

his siblings,

his high school friends,

work friends ….and his Jiu Jitsu mates.  

Hundreds of people have been affected by his loss.  

When Benjamin called me on that fateful day from SFA I could sense something was wrong.  We talked for a bit, and I told him to come home.  He then started to cry.  As a mom I should have known.  I then told him I needed to go because I was back at work and that I would call him in a few hours.  He then called his dad, and they talked about getting his oil changed and his registration done.  

That was the last time either of us spoke to our son.  

I often wonder if I would have called him back like I told him I would if that would have changed anything?  That memory haunts me to the core, yet I am so grateful he called me.

I have been to counseling, Grief Share, a grief retreat, a psychiatrist and the Christi Center.  I have been to numerous Suicide Prevention walks and donated hundreds of dollars, but the sad truth is ….nothing I did was going to bring my son back to us.  (**That last sentence was extremely difficult to write**)

I have thought about ending my life to be with my son or to trade places with him.  

My husband tells me, if you leave, think about who you will leave behind – title of my story.

I have been asked by the American

Foundation for Suicide Prevention to become an advocate, to talk about my son Benjamin and try to help others.  I declined.  There is no way I can possibly help anyone when I can barely help myself.

This is my story.

In memory of my beautiful son, Benjamin Thomas Mitchell.  May you rest in peace my beautiful boy.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Stephanie Mitchell