The 7-Year Stitch (Healing❤️‍🩹)

"If you do the thing you fear most, the death of fear is certain."               

    — Mark Twain

When we truly face what terrifies us, we strip fear of its power over our lives. Imagine someone terrified of heights who decides to jump out of an airplane and parachute safely to the ground. The moment their feet touch the ground, they realize the fear was far larger in their mind than in reality. Or think of the man who remains trapped in a soul-crushing job because he fears failure and judgment. The moment he quits to pursue what he truly loves, he realizes that his deepest prison was always in his mind.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”                                                                           — Nelson Mandela

Summary: Breaking the Pattern — The Power of Learning to Be Alone

When we think of addiction, most of us picture alcohol or drugs. But for many, the most devastating addiction is to another person — the trauma bond. A trauma bond is a powerful, compulsive attachment to someone who hurts you, often fueled by cycles of intermittent reinforcement (the "good moments" that keep you hooked). I myself have always referred to these moments as “giving them the cocaine.” The person you are trauma bonded to knows exactly what they’re doing — they know they are your dealer. They give you just enough emotional “high” to keep you coming back, fully aware that each dose keeps you trapped. This predator is very well aware of your deep seated fears of abandonment.

This addiction is no less dangerous than a substance addiction. In fact, it hijacks the same reward and fear circuits in the brain. Just as someone recovering from alcohol is advised to avoid bars or situations involving drinking for years, the trauma-bonded individual must avoid their "substance" — the toxic partner — completely.

While there is no universal rule in clinical literature that prescribes an exact timeline, research and recovery wisdom suggest that real transformation and brain rewiring often take many years, not just a few months. In substance recovery, people who stay sober for five years dramatically lower their risk of relapse. In the same way, those escaping trauma bonds need extended periods of no contact and no romantic involvement to break the cycle and rebuild a healthy self-relationship.

I firmly believe that for trauma-bonded victims or deeply codependent individuals, dating should be avoided for at least 4-7 years. This is not punishment — it is the necessary healing space to confront the deepest terror most carry: the fear of being alone and dying alone. Just as an alcoholic cannot go into a bar during recovery, guess who shouldn’t be dating either? (dating = the bar)

You must learn, on the deepest level, that being alone will not kill you. In fact, it will become your salvation.

Imagine a forest that has been overtaken by a choking vine. The trees underneath are beautiful and strong, but they can’t breathe or grow because the vine has wrapped around them so tightly that light can’t reach them.

You are that forest.

The vine is your trauma bond which is beautiful in moments, but deadly overall. To heal the forest, you can’t just trim the vine back a little at a time and keep hoping it behaves. You must cut it off completely and let the trees stand alone in the sun.

At first, the trees tremble in the wind. They have never been without that vine. But slowly, new leaves start to appear. The bark strengthens. The forest begins to thrive on its own.

This is what four years alone can do for you. It is not isolation; it is rewilding. You discover you can stand alone — and even reach higher than you ever imagined.

During these years, you will learn to nourish your body with healthy choices, surround yourself with positive emotional influences, care for your spirit, and most importantly, learn to love and protect yourself as fiercely as you would a child. You will see that you are not only capable of surviving alone, but capable of thriving and finding peace in your own company.

This is not simply "taking a break from dating." It is a sacred period of rebuilding your nervous system, rewiring your brain, and reshaping your sense of self-worth.

You must stop looking outside for the love that only you can truly give yourself.

When you finally see that solitude is not a death sentence but a path to freedom, you reclaim your life.