The disguise that feels like love…

“But There Were Beautiful Times Too…” — Why Trauma Bonding Feels Like Love (But Isn’t)

There’s a survivor in our divorce support group whose story haunts me — not because it’s rare, but because it’s painfully common.

She’s trauma bonded to a man who’s done truly horrific things to her — things that would land him in jail if brought to light. He’s violated her trust, her privacy, and her dignity. He’s not just manipulative — he’s strategic. He uses her faith against her, telling her that he’s praying for God to change him, knowing how deeply she believes in transformation and redemption. She tells me, “I’ve seen God change people before. Why not him?”

In 2022 she said something that shook me:“I miss the connection… the way he used to call me sweet things, like “honey” and the ‘I love yous,’ especially in the quiet moments. That part of him felt real.”

And that’s when it hit me AGAIN— she’s not longing for him. She’s addicted to the feeling that he fed her in small, powerful doses. It’s the exact SAME craving that gamblers suffer; it’s not connection.

Gamblers win….then lose, lose, lose, lose …..get ready to quit forever and then their dealer does what?  “I love you babe.” –the dealer lets them win.  So, what does the gambler do next? Answer: Lose, lose, lose, gets ready to quit but can’t.  The addiction is very real and eventually, they lose their family, home and all of their belongings.

My point is she’s mistaking the ache of emotional withdrawal for the loss of real love. But this man is no fool — he’s learned how to weaponize that bond.

Let’s talk about what’s really happening.

🧠 1. Trauma bonds form through intermittent reinforcement

This is the same cycle that drives gambling addiction. You don’t win every time — just enough to stay hooked.

Abusers flip between cruelty and kindness, rejection and praise. After starving their partner of love, even a crumb feels like a feast. These highs are so rare and intense that the brain latches on to them like lifelines. 🛟

So when the addict/TB victims say:“But there were beautiful times too…”They’re telling the truth.But those beautiful times were the bait.

💔 2. The beautiful moments were often the trap

Abusers often start with what we call love-bombing:“You’re my soulmate.”“There’s never been anyone like you.”“We were made for each other.”

These moments feel divine — even sacred. But when the abuse begins, the victim doesn’t let go of the relationship...They hold on to the memory of the beginning, thinking:“If I can just be better... maybe that beautiful person will come back.”

That person never existed. That love was a disguise.

🧒 3. The wounded inner child still wants it to be real

Many victims carry wounds from childhood: neglect, abandonment, or love with strings attached. The abuser mimics these patterns perfectly.

So when they say:“It felt like true love,”what they often mean is:“It matched the love I always dreamed of — the kind I never consistently had.”

Walking away now doesn’t just feel like a breakup — it feels like abandoning their last hope of healing those wounds.

🔄 4. The confusion is the bond

One of the most sinister parts of trauma bonding is that confusion itself tightens the attachment.

The brain tries to resolve the contradiction:“How could someone who said they loved me hurt me this badly?”

To survive the emotional chaos, the mind rewrites the story:• “Maybe I pushed them too hard.”• “If I just fix myself, the good times will come back.”• “I know what we had was real.”

But those thoughts aren’t clarity — they’re symptoms of trauma.

🕊️ 5. Accepting it wasn’t real love is like mourning a death

Breaking free means grieving:• The love you thought you had• The person you believed they were• The future you imagined• The version of yourself who stayed through the pain

This isn’t just heartbreak.This is the collapse of a fantasy that once felt like salvation.

✨ So what helps?

• Hearing the truth, calmly and consistently, without judgment• Understanding that confusion is a manufactured response — not madness• Realizing that love shouldn’t hurt, confuse, or destroy you• Creating new connections where safety is the baseline — not a reward

That’s what our group offers — and that’s why we keep doing this work.

To anyone reading this who’s still caught in that cycle:

It felt like love, but it was really the hope for love.And your hope deserves someone who won’t weaponize it against you.

 (Shannon Goertz)