I was married to a narcissist. I don't think I truly understood what a narcissist was for that matter. We all hear the word off and on while growing up and we assume that it would be bad to be one but I don't think anyone ever looks up the definition or studies how bad it can truly be. Everyone is narcissistic about something. People are narcissistic about their religion, politics….even their hair, however the great majority of people I meet haven't even heard of the term “gaslighting”, which is the tool the worst side of the spectrum uses to abuse their victims or “fuel source”.
I am writing this blog to teach you the only chance you have at controlling a situation with one. Dr. Stephen Covey gave it away in his book: The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People.
He said, “Somewhere between stimulus and response…..is a gray area. It is a mere fleeting seconds or moment where you make a decision on how to react to any given circumstance.”
All of us have that moment. Read example.
From Anonymous:
I came into divorce support group and predicted that I would be divorced in three days. The facilitator that night running group was a lady who had a divorce scenario very similar to my own divorce war. She begged me to make peace with the fact that I will not be divorced in three days. She predicted it would possibly go on another two years. (???) That was impossible!
I said defiantly, “You watch buddy!” That Friday came and went and I was not divorced. I came in to the support group the following Tuesday night and admitted that I was not divorced but predicted yet again that I would be out of this marriage legally on paper and divorced by the following Friday.
Next Friday came and went--then next month, and the month after that and so on….
A great deal of my predictions did not come true and the support group facilitator predicted this as well further telling me that I had control issues off the scale. My mouth hung open. How dare she. I knew I had control issues but no one had ever accused me of this before. I thought silently to myself ,maybe she does too and that's why she recognizes it so well LOL but I sure as hell wasn't going to admit it.
A year later I was divorced and on my 4th attorney at the end , meaning that I fired the previous three. Looking back now I can’t remember if this was because they kept telling me what I wanted to hear or was that I felt like nothing was getting done because the Universe wasn’t bowing to my commands. 😉I paid a lot of money and did not see the results I expected. So the day of the divorce hearing, you better believe I was thrilled and ready to party that night until I got a call from my attorney that my ex did not sign the decree!!??!!????????
Six more months went by and my attorney called for three motions to compel. This is a hearing where supposedly IF you win, the opposing party has to sign. We won each hearing but the ex would never sign.
I had no choice but to go on with Life.
One day more than six months later on my daughter’s birthday, I got a call from my attorney. My ex signed the divorce decree. I remember putting it together slowly. Oh. He signed on my daughter’s birthday……to take my daughter’s birthday away from me forever. Rage welled up inside me unlike anything I have ever experienced. He STILL HAS CONTROL over me.
I wrote this on my daughter’s birthday, August 24th. It has 2 years since those events.
What I learned?
I am responsible in any given moment for my reactions. The day I learned this from group was the day my ex lost all of his power over me. I didn’t take the control back. I never lost it. The experience was a course on self-mastery.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story and good luck to you all.
Anonymous
Refuse to turn power over to your ex.
Anonymous admitted there was maybe a whole minute where she asked herself, “Why did he sign today?”—then admitting she decided how to react. This was the fleeting moment Dr. Covey was referring to in his book.
We don’t want to admit it but we do have that control.
It takes practice but as time goes by, you spend less time upset because you know who ultimately controls you.
I suggest baby steps. Set the alarm on your mobile device for X number of minutes the next time you face similar circumstances.
You decide how long you’re going to be upset.
You’re still in control. 😉
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